You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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