The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
