I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
