Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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