Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
