everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
