You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
