god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
