when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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