Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
