I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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