peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So vagazzling was a success
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
