My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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