did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
