I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
