the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
