That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
