If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
