Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
