Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
