The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
