It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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