your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
