how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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