Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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