I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's just like the Real World with babies
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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