I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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