If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
