I heard we made out
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
