Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
