She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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