dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
