I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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