She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
