This girl is more easily done than said...
there's paper in my vomit.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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