You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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