You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
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