He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
