you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
PANTIES FOUND
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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