Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
