What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
