Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
