I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
