Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
