Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
