The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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