i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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