I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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