my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
