Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
