Where is the hickey?
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
