I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
